Help, I Have an Addiction to Potential

Hi, my name is Joe and I'm addicted to potential.

That probably sounds like some corny line an Internet Softboi™ would throw at you on tinder, but I mean it quite sincerely: it's a flaw of mine that has been holding me back for longer than I can remember.

What Do You Mean You're Addicted to Potential?

Simply put, I have an obsessive need to create potential, and then wallow in the state it produces. Envision kinetic potential in play: getting to the highest part of a roller-coaster before it drops and (I imagine - I don't like roller-coasters) that feeling of an incoming rush before the fall. You hold onto it for second after second and it feels like everything could happen next; it's all in the anticipation.

For me, this translates to a less heart-pounding reality, found in a phone full of notes about stories I'll never write (but could), a shelf of books I'll never read (but might), emergency supplies I'll never need (but keep), and a brain overflowing with projects and thoughts and musings that are perfect only as embryos.

What's Wrong with That?

Until recently, I loved this state - as addicts always do. It was like the moment before the grand finale in a film, or a treasure trove of opportunities I'd collected, always at my fingertips when I needed them, or the calm before a great storm when the wind picks up and you feel the charge in the air. Only, I'd never call on it, never knock the first domino over, never pull the trigger, never reach the end.

Eventually, that gets you down. You feel like you're not doing enough with life, whilst simultaneously worrying that there's so much more you need to do - not to mention the physical, digital, and mental clutter involved too. It's exhausting.

What makes this all the more frustrating is that help isn't forthcoming for something so niche. Try Googling "addicted to potential" and you get results ranging from the NHS to Alcoholics Anonymous; try "obsessed with potential", and you're bombarded with nonsensical results like dictionary definitions and an episode synopsis for Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the one where Dawn thinks she's a slayer-in-waiting).

That's a problem for me, because this whole potential addiction has become something of a predicament. I'm so very tired from all the unwarranted life homework I've set for myself, as well as the wasteland of discarded projects that I could complete, and the mountains of hobbies I might partake in. Not having an external source of help to turn to makes the whole thing feel a bit more hopeless.

So What're You Gonna Do About it?

After a moment of wallowing reflection whilst writing this article, I remembered that I can do a lot if I put my mind to it - starting with clearing away some potential with a good old fashioned declutter. It's time to be realistic about what I will and won't read or watch or consume. Then I need to learn to choose a single project to focus on (my new book, Young Gods), and forgive myself for the projects that will never happen; it's OK to let these go (and it's alright to keep collecting them in the notes section of my phone, as long as I don't dwell on the reality that that's all they might amount to).

Of course, these are temporary fixes really, until I know exactly why I'm so hooked on the moment that comes before the really good stuff. For that, I'm going to need to dig much deeper and explore who I am and how I think.

Just know that, if you're the same, I'm here for you to hit up so we can figure it out together. I don't know about you, but I, for one, am ready to start cashing in some of the potential I've been saving up - and to start kicking over some dominoes.